How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
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I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments
Spa day..😅
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.
*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Before I drop my kids off at school, I ask if they’re ready to be yeeted out of the car, and they all start chanting, “YEET, YEET YEET…” So yeah… pretty sure I’ve peaked.
My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
Festive toon…
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.