What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
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Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself “do I want to see it?” If you do, it’s not on Netflix.
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
(Electricians.)
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.