[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
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Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Camping tip: No.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
when you are just born a rebel
Stephen is a much nicer name than “hen from a previous marriage.”
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
What idiot called it a witch hunt and not the War on Seance?
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.