burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
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HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
Me: You don’t have to tell me twice.
Narrator: 38 times. You have to tell her 38 times.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Wise advice
me: *releasing a hot dog into the tube at the bank drive-thru* be free
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
[accepting a compliment]
you are wrong
Well, this explains it:
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Holy moly
4: Is the Easter Bunny still coming to our house?
10: Oh I saw on the news he got Coronavirus and Easter is cancelled
Me: (forgot to get Easter eggs) Yup, it’s true
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.