My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Any song can be a lullaby if you sing it gently enough.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
Maybe it’s just the alcohol talking but I think I found the secret to ventriloquism
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
“Pecan” sounds like Yoda telling someone he is able to go to the bathroom.
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.