Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
A curious tradition — to look at a newborn baby and say to yourself, “Because of your DNA, one day you will rule over me.”
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Spider-cat: No One Home
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.