I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
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The secret to enjoying good wine: Open to let it breathe. If it appears not to be breathing, apply mouth to mouth.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
(Recently turned) 14: Can I borrow the car?
Me: What? No!
14: Just practicing.
*opens briefcase and presentation about 9/11 conspiracies falls out*
But that means
[cut to my son giving presentation about cool dinosaurs]
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
me hitting on a model
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
The problem with family is that you can inherit a disorder that runs in the family from relatives you barely knew, but the money never
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”