I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
You Might Also Like
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Pooh on Cold Callers:
These are very kind people who call you to ask if you’ve been injured at work. They are so thoughtful they ring several times a day just to make sure you’re all right. I keep telling them I don’t know what work is but they still keep calling me anyway…
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
He-man has a Masters degree
Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”
Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
My favorite German children’s story is that one where some unspeakably terrifying thing happens to teach a minor lesson.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”