STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
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[job interview]
him: do you use drugs or alcohol?
me: no
him: what’s your salary requirement?
me: to be able to afford drugs & alcohol
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
Secret Panel HERE 🔪
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
do u think theres a butter planet?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?