getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
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Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
I think about this a lot
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
During a full Moon a house turns into a warehouse
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96
School supply list: box of 18 crayons
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
Sliced my finger open with an apple corer. See? This wouldn’t happen if I was eating cake.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.