The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
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*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Hey tampon makers, can I get a silent tampon wrapper please? Sounds like I’m opening a bag of Sun Chips up in here.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
drew a comic about my origin story
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat