Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
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*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
You said you couldn’t live without me, so it’s very inconsiderate of you not to be dead.
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
[Job interview]
Boss: “What’s your biggest weakness?”
Me: “I have no weaknesses.”
*clutches picture of the dolphin that killed my father*
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back