I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
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Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Hi, I’m Brandon and I’ll be your hater this evening. Our specials tonight are “ur mom”, “lol own3d”, and “u mad bro lol u mad?!??!”
He died doing what he loved, trying to use a hammerhead shark for carpentry
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
When I was in college our house got robbed. My roommate took the cops to my room and they said wow they trashed this room and she said no that’s just how she lives. I think about that sometimes.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
For all we know, dinosaurs had a strong Australian accent.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
[meeting]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: I think we need to get out in front of this. If we’re not on top of it, it will roll over us and we’ll never get out from under it. Can everybody get behind that?
Boss: You’re not allowed to talk anymore.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are