Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
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“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Natural selection at its finest
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
Haha good job!!
Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—
4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I came this close!!!!
There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.