“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
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Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins
Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.
WE DON’T KNOW!
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
[walks into living room and sees a stranger is sitting on the couch]
Me: WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
14 yo son: I came downstairs to see if dinner is ready.
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
As you get older you become all of the seven dwarfs.
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
What you call those little potatoes with all the eyes?
Speck taters
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws