Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
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[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
Call your teenage daughter by the dog’s name one time and she doesn’t talk to you for three days. Three wonderful fabulous amazing days.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.
More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.
And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.
So cis people are super normal
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them
What did one toilet say to the other?
You look flushed.
#ToiletDay #RubbishJokes
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
An hour into this 15 minute recipe and I’m still dicing onions.
Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use an everything bagel as a loofah in the shower tomorrow
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.
Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?
[22 minutes later]
Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick
Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*