You know how dogs think, when you leave, that you’re never coming back? That’s how I feel when I leave the house for work every morning.
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Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Teacher: Fill out the parent form.
Me: Why?
Teacher: So I can contact you if your kid gets in trouble.
Me: *writing* Raised. By. Wolves.
I’m not much of a wrestler, can this alligator play badminton?
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”