Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
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[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Half way through the movie, I brought some popcorn downstairs for the kids & realized I rented the wrong Black Stallion DVD.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Remember that time when you didn’t call, & a giraffe round house kicked your neck, & you fell off a merry-go-round & died?
So sad. Really.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Real jealous of all the bears getting fat and preparing to sleep for months
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
FRIEND: Make sure you walk her to her car
[hours later after date]
HER: It’s been 18 miles
ME: I insist
HER: But you drove both of us
Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve