self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
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Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Starting a skydiving school called Active Chuters
In Hot Meatloaf’s name we pray 🙏
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.