Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
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A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks