I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
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I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
1. Don’t write a journal.
2. Don’t smile in your mugshot.-mental notes I take watching crime tv.
if the earth is so flat explain why cats haven’t pushed everything off it yet. you can’t.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
The outburst I had at JoAnn’s Fabrics is not reflective of who I am.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
“Okay player Mikehunt782 is it this time. I gotta hide, Mike Hunt is coming. You’ll never get me Mike Hunt! I’m taunting Mike Hunt. Time’s running out, I’m going to be safe. Yes! Take that Mike Hunt!”
* my 8yr old insisting on yelling out user names on Roblox
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”