Teamwork makes the dream work.
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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Proud of my teen for keeping a straight face when she told her friend I’m 25. That friend’s gonna have some questions, but that’s what she gets for asking my age.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
[speed dating]
DATE: ding
ME: did u just make the ding sound with ur mouth
DATE: no
ME: we have 4 minutes left
DATE: *louder this time* ding
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
“Did you just elect a pope in there?” he asked as the vape cloud billowed from her car window.
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
godzilla: *godzilla roar*
me: godzilla, can we try using our inside voice?
godzilla: (sheepishly) …may i please have a snack
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
The toughest part of any long distance relationship is the 6 hour drive to slash their tires.
Me: I’d like one wet wipe please
Wet wipe packet: the best I can do is 10
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.