My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
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how about a smoke detector that can tell the difference between me cooking bacon and my house being engulfed in flames
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
NO, YOU GET THE HELL OFF YOUR PROPERTY.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
good work, everybody
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
I just start doing the Macarena when I want to end conversations now.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies