The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
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My whole life was a lie.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
Do you ever think of the ex you made a painful decision to leave and just hope in your heart of hearts that someone is annoying them worse than you ever could have?
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
[first date]
her: so what are you looking for?
me: [hits my head on the table] i dropped a shrimp
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.