When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
You Might Also Like
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Beware of the dog..
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I love friendship errands, where you do a little task with a friend by your side for company, like pick up your prescription or stop at the post office or transport a ring of power to Mordor
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.