There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
My favorite farside!!
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.
Meat Cute
Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
I just remembered that Sun Chips made a fully biodegradable bag and people were like “this sucks, it’s too loud” as if Sun Chips consumers need a tactical stealth corn snack. Like buddy you’re eating sour cream and onion chips not infiltrating Bin Laden’s compound.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.