I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
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Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
BARTENDER: the usual?
ME: *nods*
*bartender hands me a shot glass full of chocolate chips*
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?