Pro tip: Never explain to your wife that it’s the washer and dryer that actually does the laundry.
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An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
Maths meets science
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
I would like to propose Dual-McDonald’s, one side is for people who know what they want because we all have the same order as adults for life and one for people who eat there 3 times a week but pretend they’ve never seen the menu before.
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
[interview for fireman]
“So why do you think you’re a good fireman?”
I lit the building on fire
“What?”
Now watch as I try to put it out
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
It’s all fun & games till somebody has to explain to the optometrist what a golden shower is & why your eye is highly irritated.
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.