[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
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I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
I have a type: disappointing
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement