*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
You Might Also Like
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I unironically love this joke.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
In your 20’s: I’m going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50’s: Turn that music down, I can’t even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
[second date]
“April Fools”
*gets up and leaves
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.