me *watches toddler push wife’s work papers off the coffee table*
wife *walks in* Who did this?
me: Your stupid cat
You Might Also Like
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Satan: welcome to your own hell where…
me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉
Satan:…everyones a comedian.
me: haha i just like to keep it light.
Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.
me: oh god
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I was searching for how to hit a deer and survive but now my history makes it look like I’m hunting deer with my car
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
every pillow ad now is just them hurling shit like bowling balls at the product and acting like it means something. “see how poorly our competitors deflect this Olympian’s shot put?” great point, i’ll keep your product in mind if i go completely insane
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.