Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
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The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
Slugs are obviously snails that have been through a divorce.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
so we have ice (water) hockey, field (earth) hockey, and air/table (air) hockey…. folks I believe it is time for fire hockey
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
english majors be like furthermore
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.