them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
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In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
[at funeral]
“my phone is vibrating”
want me to create a distraction so you can answer it?
“no, are you craz-
*points at casket* HE BLINKED
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
WebMD: You have cancer.
Me: No, I feel fine. I clicked you by mistake.
WebMD: And good thing you did… Cuz of the cancer.
Okay, I’m still confused…
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
batman: who do I see about this ticket?
cop: oh, I wrote it
batman: who tickets the batmobile!?
cop: you were illegally parked
batman: I was fighting crime!
cop: rules are rules
batman: I WAS DOING YOUR JOB!!!!
cop: did you see I wrote “I’m sorry” with a little heart?
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
You know the saying “if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”? Yeah, that doesn’t work when vacuuming up a pancake.
What an exciting day!
First I’ve found a hat full of money,
then I was chased around town by some weird guy with a guitar.#HatDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
People who say they are “comfortable in their own skin,” scare me because I wonder how they know what it’s like to wear someone else’s skin
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?