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HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Finding out how big of a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan I truly am was understandably pretty tough for my daughters, Raphael & Leonardo.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
5’s excuse for not going to sleep last night was that he has the hiccups.
He didn’t hiccup.
He didn’t fake-hiccup.
He just stated that he “has the hiccups”.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
(Rushes to hospital)
Dr: Your mother is extremely critical.
Me: Don’t overreact doctor, she’s like that with everyone.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef