It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
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Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
I don’t homeschool my kids cause the only historic battle I know is the one between Biggie and Tupac.
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
Shopping with my 12 y/o daughter and she said she was done with the Christmas music at the stores already.
“You don’t trick-or-treat a week after Halloween. Time to move on, people.”
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns