my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
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Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Now that we’ve mastered induction cooking, can someone invent a coffee cup that stays cool in the microwave?
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”