There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
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me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
Well, this explains it:
I’ve deleted all dating apps off my phone I’m over it 😭 I’m waiting for someone to meet me in the library while I am reaching for a book that’s too high and just as everything is about to fall on me they swoop in and shield me
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Home is where your toilet is.
Am I having a stroke?
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
It’s gonna be so fun when we all start seeing each other at AA meetings after all of this.
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”