Let’s walk and talk.
You go that way.
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[farm]
SON: *crying*
ME: Look, I told you not to get attached to the animals because eventually we have to eat them
SON *running away*: I HATE YOU!!
ME: He’s taking it pretty hard… but I did warn him
WIFE: None of us thought you meant the dog
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
John Lennon: Lucy in the sky with diamonds!
Friend: *sighing* that- that’s not how Clue works
[the inventor of golf] How can we monetize getting angry in a field?
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.