Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
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If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
A small tragedy.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I’m voting for whoever my cat thinks I should and my vote counts just as much as yours
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
My niece just said “Birds live in a birdhouse & we live in a people house!” Cute, huh? Wrong; my niece is 26 & on trial for manslaughter.
Buying a girl drinks at the bar is played out. You gotta send a pizza & a basket of wings to her table
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
[Burgler walking around our house] Have…have I been here already tonight?
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.