guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
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alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
I could tell you the story of breaking my arm sledding but be warned, it goes downhill fast.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Me: I’m gonna go work on your car
Wife: *remembering the time I thought her car’s air conditioner was called the car brr ator* Please don’t
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
#Caturday
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
Phones down.
I was awake around 4-5am because I needed to pee, but then somehow got my breathing mode stuck in manual versus automatic when trying to fall back asleep. What the hell, brain?
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Sorry I missed your call earlier, I was sitting in my bed with my phone in my hand watching it ring
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*