Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
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Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of “bag of ice” to your summer cookout.
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
ME: [staring off into distance]
HER: what’s wrong?
M: nothing
H: talk to me
M: it’s just…that bus in Speed would’ve never made that jump
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
My horoscope said I should kiss you today
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.