“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
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*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
I’m an Atheist till the electricity goes out.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
“Night shift again, Harry?”
“Someone has to patrol the streets.”
“Get you something to eat?”
“How’s the tuna today?”
“Edible.”
“I’ll have a sammich then, Doreen.”
“You got it, hon. Back in a jiffy.”
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Weirdly Wednesday.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
My nickname in high school was “who?”
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
“Dad why’d u name me this?”
I named u after the greatest athlete to ever live
“Oh ok”
Now let’s go, Air Bud, we’re gonna be late for church
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”