Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
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*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
Hitlers gonna hitl
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
me, waking up from my nap and getting ready to exercise.
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
4yo: fold me like a towel
Me: what?
4yo: FOLD ME
Me: okaaay
4yo: stack me on top of the towels
Me: what?
4yo: STACK ME
Parenthood is wild
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
The FDA approved a feline arthritis drug leading cats to switch from “meow” to just “me.”
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere