I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
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Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Damn what did I do next
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.
My children are the reason hurricanes are named after humans.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
My hometown ranked 4th for the worst cities for hot dog lovers. I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel about that.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.