There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.
I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!
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Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
Co-worker: What’s the difference between astronomy & astrology?
Me: Approximately 50-60 IQ points.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Alex: A ship that has sunk
What is my relationship?
Alex: No sorry tha-
[glares at wife] I’ll take YOU RUINED MY LIFE KAREN for $800 Alex
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
How do horror writers compete with current events?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels