HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
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It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
Jews name their children after their deceased loved ones. This is my son, Healthy Sleep Pattern. He was born on January 21st, 2017.
The first guy to ever throw water at girl in a white shirt probably broke the record for the number of high-fives received in one minute.
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think
Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do
Them: There are plenty of fish in the sea.
Me: There is also 14 billion tons of garbage in the sea.
Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken