A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
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Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
YES I HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE!!!! WHY DO YOU ASK?
Stealing being illegal is why I can’t have nice things.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
She told me she liked it doggy style so I gave her a treat & took her for a walk.
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.