“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
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Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
*death metal voice*
BUTTERRRRRR
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
I lock eyes with the cashier after he tells me to have a great day. “How?”
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”