the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
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I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
My entire life is like that scene when Edward Scissorhands discovers a waterbed
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
my kids teacher via zoom: division is multiplication backwards
me: (in distant background) holy shit.
Ketchup isn’t food.
-words to ruin a toddlers day
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.