They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
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*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
This was my dad’s browser history.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that